Two and a Half Men
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| Date | Episode # | Title | Network | Rating | Share (↓) | Viewers | Watch/Purchase DVD/Download |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 09/19/2011 | 09-001 | Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt | CBS | 16.7 | 24 | 28.7 | |
| 05/16/2005 | 02-023 | Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab | CBS | 15 | 22 | 24.2 | 
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| 09/22/2003 | 01-001 | Pilot | CBS | 12.1 | 18 | 18.4 |
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| 05/24/2004 | 01-024 | Can You Feel My Finger? | CBS | 11.7 | 18 | 18.2 |
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| 11/22/2004 | 02-009 | Yes, Monsignor | CBS | 12.3 | 18 | 18.9 |
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| 09/26/2011 | People Who Love Peepholes | CBS | 12.2 | 18 | 20.5 | ||
| 01/03/2005 | 02-012 | A Lungful of Alan | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 18 |
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| 03/22/2004 | 01-019 | I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You | CBS | 10.9 | 17 | 16.4 |
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| 11/15/2004 | 02-008 | Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers | CBS | 11.5 | 17 |
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| 11/29/2004 | 02-010 | The Salmon Under My Sweater | CBS | 11.6 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 05/02/2005 | 02-021 | A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On | CBS | 11.5 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 03/07/2005 | 02-018 | It Was Mame, Mom | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 17.4 |
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| 12/19/2005 | 03-011 | Santa's Village of the Damned | CBS | 11.2 | 17 | 17.7 |
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| 05/09/2005 | 02-022 | That Old House Bag Is My Mother | CBS | 11.5 | 17 | 18 |
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| 01/12/2004 | 01-013 | Sarah Like Puny Alan | CBS | 11.4 | 17 | 17.9 |
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| 02/21/2005 | 02-017 | Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 17.5 |
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| 10/25/2004 | 02-006 | The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 11/08/2004 | 02-007 | A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana | CBS | 10.7 | 16 |
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| 01/09/2006 | 03-012 | That Special Tug | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 02/07/2005 | 02-015 | Smell the Umbrella Stand | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 16.7 |
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| 04/18/2005 | 02-020 | I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 03/06/2006 | 03-016 | Ergo, the Booty Call | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 03/21/2005 | 02-019 | A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise | CBS | 10.4 | 16 | 15.9 |
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| 02/08/2010 | 07-015 | Aye, Aye, Captain Douche | CBS | 10.5 | 16 | 17.7 |
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| 01/31/2005 | 02-014 | Those Big Pink Things with Coconuts | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17 |
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| 02/14/2005 | 02-016 | Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? | CBS | 10.5 | 16 |
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| 10/11/2004 | 02-004 | Go Get Mommy's Bra | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 17.2 |
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| 10/04/2004 | 02-003 | A Bag Full of Jawea | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 16.4 |
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| 11/03/2003 | 01-007 | If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake | CBS | 10.7 | 16 | 16 |
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| 01/05/2004 | 01-012 | Camel Filters and Pheremones | CBS | 10.6 | 16 | 16.8 |
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| 11/24/2003 | 01-010 | Merry Thanksgiving | CBS | 11 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 12/15/2008 | 06-011 | The Devil's Lube | CBS | 10.6 | 16 | 17.9 |
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| 03/13/2006 | 03-017 | The Unfortunate Little Schnauser | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.4 |
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| 10/27/2003 | 01-006 | Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? | CBS | 10.5 | 16 | 15.8 |
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| 02/27/2006 | 03-015 | My Tongue Is Meat | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17 |
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| 03/08/2010 | 07-017 | I Found Your Moustache | CBS | 10.5 | 16 | 17.6 |
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| 02/02/2004 | 01-014 | I Can't Afford Hyenas | CBS | 10.7 | 16 | 16.5 |
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| 02/09/2004 | 01-015 | Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (Part 1 of 2) | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 17 |
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| 02/16/2004 | 01-016 | That Was Saliva, Alan (Part 2 of 2) | CBS | 11 | 16 | 17.4 |
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| 02/05/2007 | 04-014 | That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami | CBS | 11.2 | 16 | 17.7 |
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| 03/01/2004 | 01-018 | An Old Flame with a New Wick | CBS | 10.8 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 05/10/2004 | 01-022 | My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet | CBS | 10.4 | 16 | 16 |
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| 09/20/2004 | 02-001 | Back Off Mary Poppins | CBS | 11.1 | 16 | 16.4 |
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| 09/27/2004 | 02-002 | Enjoy Those Garlic Balls | CBS | 10.9 | 16 | 16.6 |
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| 10/18/2004 | 02-005 | Bad News from the Clinic | CBS | 10.4 | 15 | 16.3 |
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| 11/28/2005 | 03-010 | Something Salty and Twisted | CBS | 10.6 | 15 | 16.5 |
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| 11/21/2005 | 03-009 | Madame and Her Special Friend | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.7 |
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| 11/14/2005 | 03-008 | That Voodoo That I Do Do | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 05/17/2004 | 01-023 | Just Like Buffalo | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 09/29/2003 | 01-002 | Big Flappy Bastards | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 16.2 |
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