Two and a Half Men
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| Date | Episode # | Title | Network | Rating (↑) | Share | Viewers | Watch/Purchase DVD/Download |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 05/23/2005 | 02-024 | Does This Smell Funny to You? | CBS | 9.2 | 14 | 14.4 | 
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| 05/01/2006 | 03-021 | And the Plot Moistens | CBS | 9.2 | 14 | 14.3 |
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| 02/09/2009 | 06-015 | I'd Like to Start with the Cat | CBS | 9.2 | 13 | 15 |
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| 03/02/2009 | 06-016 | She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime | CBS | 9.2 | 13 | 15.5 |
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| 12/12/2011 | One False Move, Zimbabwe! | CBS | 9.2 | 14 | 14.9 | ||
| 10/03/2005 | 03-003 | Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark | CBS | 9.3 | 14 | 14.2 |
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| 11/17/2008 | 06-008 | Pinocchio's Mouth | CBS | 9.3 | 13 | 15.2 |
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| 01/17/2011 | Lookin' for Japanese Subs | CBS | 9.3 | 14 | 15.6 | ||
| 12/05/2011 | What a Lovely Landing Strip | CBS | 9.3 | 14 | 15.2 | ||
| 04/24/2006 | 03-020 | Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro | CBS | 9.4 | 14 | 14.5 |
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| 11/20/2006 | 04-009 | Corey's Been Dead for an Hour | CBS | 9.4 | 14 | 15 |
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| 11/26/2007 | 05-010 | Kinda Like Necrophilia | CBS | 9.4 | 14 | 15.3 |
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| 12/08/2008 | 06-010 | He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited | CBS | 9.5 | 14 | 15.6 |
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| 05/24/2010 | 07-022 | This Is Not Gonna End Well | CBS | 9.5 | 15 | 15.5 |
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| 10/06/2003 | 01-003 | Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.8 |
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| 04/19/2004 | 01-020 | Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.6 |
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| 01/08/2007 | 04-012 | Castrating Sheep in Montana | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.8 |
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| 01/18/2010 | 07-013 | Yay, No Polyps! | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 16.3 |
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| 11/21/2011 | A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 15.8 | ||
| 10/13/2003 | 01-004 | If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.7 |
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| 09/26/2005 | 03-002 | Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.4 |
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| 05/08/2006 | 03-022 | Just Once with Aunt Sophie | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.9 |
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| 09/18/2006 | 04-001 | Working for Caligula | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 15.1 |
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| 10/10/2011 | Nine Magic Fingers | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 16.2 | ||
| 09/19/2005 | 03-001 | Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15 |
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| 10/10/2005 | 03-004 | Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15.2 |
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| 05/22/2006 | 03-024 | That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite | CBS | 9.8 | 15 | 15.5 |
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| 10/23/2006 | 04-006 | Apologies for the Frivolity | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15 |
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| 11/27/2006 | 04-010 | Kissing Abraham Lincoln | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 15.5 |
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| 01/19/2009 | 06-013 | I Think You Offended Don | CBS | 9.8 | 14 | 16.1 |
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| 12/14/2009 | 07-011 | Warning, It's Dirty | CBS | 9.8 | 15 | 16.4 |
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| 10/20/2003 | 01-005 | The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 12/15/2003 | 01-011 | Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 14.8 |
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| 05/17/2004 | 01-023 | Just Like Buffalo | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 09/25/2006 | 04-002 | Who's Vod Kanockers? | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.3 |
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| 05/18/2009 | 06-024 | Baseball Was Better with Steroids | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 02/01/2010 | 07-014 | Crude and Uncalled For | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 16.5 |
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| 12/11/2006 | 04-011 | Walnuts and Demerol | CBS | 10 | 15 | 15.7 |
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| 01/22/2007 | 04-013 | Don't Worry, Speed Racer | CBS | 10 | 14 | 15.8 |
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| 02/12/2007 | 04-015 | My Damn Stalker | CBS | 10 | 14 | 15.5 |
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| 02/02/2009 | 06-014 | David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie | CBS | 10 | 15 | 16.6 |
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| 11/10/2003 | 01-008 | Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 11/17/2003 | 01-009 | Phase One, Complete | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 16 |
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| 11/14/2005 | 03-008 | That Voodoo That I Do Do | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 11/21/2005 | 03-009 | Madame and Her Special Friend | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.7 |
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| 11/13/2006 | 04-008 | Release the Dogs | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 01/11/2010 | 07-012 | Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 17.3 |
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| 03/01/2010 | 07-016 | Tinkle Like a Princess | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 16.9 |
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| 09/29/2003 | 01-002 | Big Flappy Bastards | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 10/17/2005 | 03-005 | We Called It Mr. Pinky | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 15.6 |
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