Two and a Half Men
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| Date (↓) | Episode # | Title | Network | Rating | Share | Viewers | Watch/Purchase DVD/Download |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 12/15/2003 | 01-011 | Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 14.8 | 
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| 11/24/2003 | 01-010 | Merry Thanksgiving | CBS | 11 | 16 | 17.1 |
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| 11/17/2003 | 01-009 | Phase One, Complete | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 16 |
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| 11/10/2003 | 01-008 | Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful | CBS | 10.1 | 15 | 15.8 |
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| 11/03/2003 | 01-007 | If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake | CBS | 10.7 | 16 | 16 |
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| 10/27/2003 | 01-006 | Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? | CBS | 10.5 | 16 | 15.8 |
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| 10/20/2003 | 01-005 | The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump | CBS | 9.9 | 15 | 15.2 |
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| 10/13/2003 | 01-004 | If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap | CBS | 9.7 | 14 | 14.7 |
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| 10/06/2003 | 01-003 | Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell | CBS | 9.6 | 14 | 14.8 |
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| 09/29/2003 | 01-002 | Big Flappy Bastards | CBS | 10.2 | 15 | 16.2 |
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| 09/22/2003 | 01-001 | Pilot | CBS | 12.1 | 18 | 18.4 |
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