Top 17 TV Sharks You Won't See on SHARK WEEK
Cason Murphy - August 12, 2012
SHARK WEEK 2012 starts Sunday, August 12, 2012 at 9pm on Discovery Channel, with nine new specials and pods of your fave shark programs from years past. To wet your excitement, we caught up with a few fictional TV characters who are lurking out there, but our jaws dropped when we realized how neglected these sharks are compared with the rest of their man-eating species. So, we took the bait and went shark raving mad to compile this whale of a list!
Okay, now we’re just fishing for puns...
So, gather up your chums and sink your teeth into this!
| Photo | Common Name | Scientific Family Name | Sighting Record | Habitat | Appearance | Natural Prey | Distinctive Sound |
|
Legal Shark |
Sebastian Stark |
Lawsuiticus |
(CBS, 2006) |
The courtrooms of Los Angeles, CA | Seersucker suits, sunglasses & a sneaky smile. | Any rich clients he previously defended | "No further questions." |
Street Shark |
Ripster, Jab, Streex & Big Slammu |
Asphalticus |
(Syndicated, 1995) |
Fission City | Genetically tweaked half-man/half-shark brothers in early '90s board shorts. | Dr. Piranoid & His "Seaviates" | "Jawsome!" |
Business Shark |
"The Sharks" |
Corporatias |
(ABC, 2009) |
An undisclosed board room | Dark suit. Power tie optional. |
Budding entrepreneurs | "I'm out." |
Green Shark |
Green Shark Ranger |
CheapRipOffsae |
(ABC, 2009) |
The Domed City of Corinth | The usual Green Ranger suit with a special shark-finned helmet. | Any of the minions of the sentient computer virus Venjix | "RPM, get it in gear!" |
Officer Shark |
Chief Petty Officer Otto Sharkey |
Naval Bureaucratina |
(NBC, 1976) |
Navy Training Center in San Diego, CA | The Navy blues and a Don Rickles combover. | New Navy recruits | Insert any racial, ethnic or gender insult. |
Game Shark |
Card Sharks |
AcesHighina |
(Syndicated, 2001) |
A soundstage in Burbank, CA | An oversized deck of cards, bright flashing lights and fleeting money. | Greedy gameshow contestants | "Let's shoot the max on the Big Bet!" |
Card Shark |
Theodore 'T-Bag' Bagwell |
Pokeradae |
(FOX, 2005) |
Fox River State Penitentiary in Joliet, IL | An orange jumpsuit, a thick Southern accent & facial hair only a mother could love. | Any of Michael Scofield's orifices | "Hey there, Pretty." |
Cartoon Shark |
Jabberjaw |
Animatias |
(ABC, 1976) |
The Ocean in 2076 | Quite possibly the least threatening shark in history. | Children's minds | "No respect!" |
Loan Shark |
Bobette Buffkin |
Creditasae |
(CW, 2008) |
Albuquerque, NM | Bright red hair & form-fitting clothes. | Owners of RVs, boats, and homes. Pretty much like real life. | I'd love to give you the money, hon, but..." |
Dharma Shark |
The Dharma Shark |
Hanso
|
(ABC, 2004) |
Off an uncharted island in the South Pacific | Pretty much like a regular shark - except for the infamous Dharma Initiative logo on its tail. | Sawyer | [censored by Damon Lindelof & Carlton Cuse] |
Mob Loan Shark |
Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin |
Mafiosidium
|
(HBO, 1999) |
Elizabethtown, New Jersey | Wife-beaters & slacks | Phil Leotardo |
"My friend..." |
Hockey Shark |
S.J. Sharkie |
Hockeylium
|
The NHL on Versus (Versus, 2005) |
The Tank (San Jose, CA) | The Sharks' home colors of pacific teal, burnt orange, white & black | The Anaheim Ducks | "GOAL!" |
Dancing Shark |
Team Shark (Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas) |
FoxTrotea
|
(ABC, 2005) |
The DWTS dance floor |
Sequins, spandex & sweat | Anyone on the dance floor - from Belinda Carlisle to Gilles Marini | "It's a perfect 30!" |
Pet Shark |
Kenny the Shark |
FamilyPetius
|
(NBC, 2003) |
In a suburban neighborhood with Kat and her family |
A cartoon shark that can walk and talk on land | Nobody, seeing how he's mistaken for a dog by a toddler. Not much danger here. | "When do we eat?" |
Pool Shark |
Blackie Sorrell |
Billiardosae
|
(CBS, 1961) |
The Petrie's basement in New Rochelle, NY | A pencil-thin tie and a pool cue | Rob Petrie |
"When I play for soda crackers, I'm invincible." |
 Land Shark |
Landshark |
NotADolphinius
|
(NBC, 1975) |
Your front door | A foam-rubber shark head | Unsuspecting single, young women |
"Landshark!"
or
"Candygram!" |
 Syfy Shark |
Sharktopus |
CheesaeMoviusAnimalia
|
Syfy Saturday Night Original Movies (Syfy, 2010) |
Resort beaches of Mexico | Nasty looking CGI engineered hybrid half shark / half octopus | Scantily clad babelicious tourists |
"Chomp, Chomp, Chomp" |
And then of course, Fonzie jumped the shark
And now this blog has, too.
Did we miss one? Don't hammer your head against your keyboard - send us a comment!
Cason Murphy started in the entertainment business at the age of three when he "picked a rabbit out of his hat" during a tap recital - and hasn't had the good sense to get out yet. When he's not selling his soul to academia at UCLA's School of Theater, Film & Television, he is making good use of his DVR.
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