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Top 17 TV Sharks You Won't See on SHARK WEEK

Cason Murphy - August 12, 2012

Shark_week_400x400

 

SHARK WEEK 2012 starts Sunday, August 12, 2012 at 9pm on Discovery Channel, with nine new specials and pods of your fave shark programs from years past. To wet your excitement, we caught up with a few fictional TV characters who are lurking out there, but our jaws dropped when we realized how neglected these sharks are compared with the rest of their man-eating species. So, we took the bait and went shark raving mad to compile this whale of a list!

 

Okay, now we’re just fishing for puns...

 

So, gather up your chums and sink your teeth into this!

 

 

Photo Common Name Scientific Family Name Sighting Record Habitat Appearance Natural Prey Distinctive Sound

Legal Shark

Sebastian Stark

Lawsuiticus

Shark

(CBS, 2006)

The courtrooms of Los Angeles, CA Seersucker suits, sunglasses & a sneaky smile. Any rich clients he previously defended "No further questions."

Street Shark

Ripster, Jab, Streex & Big Slammu

Asphalticus

Street Sharks

(Syndicated, 1995)

Fission City Genetically tweaked half-man/half-shark brothers in early '90s board shorts. Dr. Piranoid & His "Seaviates" "Jawsome!"

Business Shark

"The Sharks"

Corporatias

Shark Tank

(ABC, 2009)

An undisclosed board room Dark suit. Power tie optional.
Budding entrepreneurs "I'm out."

Green Shark

Green Shark Ranger

CheapRipOffsae

Power Rangers: RPM

(ABC, 2009)

The Domed City of Corinth The usual Green Ranger suit with a special shark-finned helmet. Any of the minions of the sentient computer virus Venjix "RPM, get it in gear!"

Officer Shark

Chief Petty Officer Otto Sharkey

Naval Bureaucratina

CPO Sharkey

(NBC, 1976)

Navy Training Center in San Diego, CA The Navy blues and a Don Rickles combover. New Navy recruits Insert any racial, ethnic or gender insult.

Game Shark

Card Sharks

AcesHighina

Card Sharks

(Syndicated, 2001)

A soundstage in Burbank, CA An oversized deck of cards, bright flashing lights and fleeting money. Greedy gameshow contestants "Let's shoot the max on the Big Bet!"

Card Shark

Theodore 'T-Bag' Bagwell

Pokeradae

Prison Break

(FOX, 2005)

Fox River State Penitentiary in Joliet, IL An orange jumpsuit, a thick Southern accent & facial hair only a mother could love. Any of Michael Scofield's orifices "Hey there, Pretty."

Cartoon Shark

Jabberjaw

Animatias

Jabberjaw

(ABC, 1976)

The Ocean in 2076 Quite possibly the least threatening shark in history. Children's minds "No respect!"

Loan Shark

Bobette Buffkin

Creditasae

Easy Money

(CW, 2008)

Albuquerque, NM Bright red hair & form-fitting clothes. Owners of RVs, boats, and homes. Pretty much like real life. I'd love to give you the money, hon, but..."

Dharma Shark

The Dharma Shark

Hanso

 

LOST

(ABC, 2004)

Off an uncharted island in the South Pacific Pretty much like a regular shark - except for the infamous Dharma Initiative logo on its tail. Sawyer [censored by Damon Lindelof & Carlton Cuse]

Mob Loan Shark

Herman 'Hesh' Rabkin

Mafiosidium

 

The Sopranos

(HBO, 1999)

Elizabethtown, New Jersey Wife-beaters & slacks Phil Leotardo
"My friend..."

Hockey Shark

S.J. Sharkie

Hockeylium

 

The NHL on Versus

(Versus, 2005)

The Tank (San Jose, CA) The Sharks' home colors of pacific teal, burnt orange, white & black The Anaheim Ducks "GOAL!"
 

Dancing Shark

Team Shark

(Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas)

FoxTrotea

 

Dancing with the Stars

(ABC, 2005)

The DWTS dance floor
Sequins, spandex & sweat Anyone on the dance floor - from Belinda Carlisle to Gilles Marini "It's a perfect 30!"
 

Pet Shark

Kenny the Shark

FamilyPetius

 

Kenny the Shark

(NBC, 2003)

In a suburban neighborhood with Kat and her family
A cartoon shark that can walk and talk on land Nobody, seeing how he's mistaken for a dog by a toddler. Not much danger here. "When do we eat?"
 

Pool Shark

Blackie Sorrell

Billiardosae

 

The Dick Van Dyke Show

(CBS, 1961)

The Petrie's basement in New Rochelle, NY A pencil-thin tie and a pool cue Rob Petrie
"When I play for soda crackers, I'm invincible."

Land Shark

Landshark

NotADolphinius

 

Saturday Night Live

(NBC, 1975)

Your front door A foam-rubber shark head Unsuspecting single, young women

"Landshark!"

 

or

 

"Candygram!"


Syfy Shark

Sharktopus

CheesaeMoviusAnimalia

 

Syfy Saturday Night Original Movies

(Syfy, 2010)

Resort beaches of Mexico Nasty looking CGI engineered hybrid half shark / half octopus Scantily clad babelicious tourists

"Chomp, Chomp, Chomp"

 

And then of course, Fonzie jumped the shark

 

And now this blog has, too.

 

Did we miss one? Don't hammer your head against your keyboard - send us a comment!

 

Cason Murphy started in the entertainment business at the age of three when he "picked a rabbit out of his hat" during a tap recital - and hasn't had the good sense to get out yet. When he's not selling his soul to academia at UCLA's School of Theater, Film & Television, he is making good use of his DVR.